We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
