bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
