last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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