Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this boner is exhausting
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
