You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
