So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
