Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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