I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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