I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
