So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
