You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
