I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
