i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
