Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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