You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
