They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
