I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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