You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
