Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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