someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
