did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
