Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
