she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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