I'm really into asian looking animals
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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