Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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