Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She bit a glass in half.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
