I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
