when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
