people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
