Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
