his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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