By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
