I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
