I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
