I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
