If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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