someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
