why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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