well I can't set my house on fire every night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
