i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
