my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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