I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
