Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
