dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
