Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
