There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
