dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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