I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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