Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
