He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
